His Grace is Enough - The Perfectly Imperfect Mama

His Grace is Enough

by - Tuesday, January 24, 2017

It hit me out of nowhere.

I don't know where it came from nor do I know why it happened when it did.

I could feel it building up inside of me.

The feeling I just knew I'd never experience since losing my sweet Ruthie Belle.  I was wrong.  But why after 8 months of grieving did it have to enter my heart now?  I've never wanted it to be there.  And of all days, it was on Millie Jo's birthday.


It happened while I was getting ready for church, I was thinking about how I couldn't believe Millie Jo was four & I started thinking back on the day I had her.  And that's when anger slapped me right in the face.  I don't get to think back on the day I "had" Ruthie Belle.  I'll forever remember May 3rd .. the day my doctor said the most heartbreaking words to me & Dan ... "there is no heartbeat."  And then May 5th when I had to be put to sleep while they took her out of me & I never even got to see or touch her.  I had to deal with the "after a baby" symptoms of "having a baby" but not actually having one at home with us.

About that time Millie Jo came in my room so excited for her birthday.  And even though I smiled at her, I couldn't help but think "why does this little girl, who wanted a baby sister so bad, not have one to hold right now?"

The anger.

We went to church & honestly, at this point I really wasn't even feeling like going.  But I went ... & I'm so glad that I did.  God knew I needed to be there.  Our pastor preached on God's purpose for our lives.  You know, that thing that Ruthie Belle accomplished in just 15 short weeks of her life.  And then at the end of his sermon he made the comment "if you're ever mad at God, it's because things didn't go the way YOU thought they should."


But he was exactly right.

Selfishly, I wanted Ruthie Belle to be here with me.  I wanted to see her daddy do airplane with her & watch her giggle just like Cooper & Millie Jo do.  I wanted to watch them with her.  I wanted to hold her.  But that's not how things went at all.  Oh no, God's plan was far greater.  Instead of letting her be here on earth to change my life, He created her to be an angel & stay right by His side to change my life.  And she did & still continues to do so.

The more I thought about it, the more selfish I felt.  Why do I have any right to be angry?  I don't.

No, I may not understand why God took her from me so soon, but I trust Him.  And I know that He works all things together for good for those who love Him.

I found myself crying out to the Lord asking for forgiveness.  It was no surprise to Him that anger flooded my body about losing my girl.  How amazing is it though, that He knew long ago that I would feel so angry on that specific day?  And yet, He still forgave me.

His grace is enough for me.

"I owe no one anything,"  God declares.  "Everything under the heaven is mine."
-From In the Eye of the Storm by Max Lucado
[From the Max Lucado study Bible]

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