I don't know if any of you listen to the Christian singer, Lauren Daigle, but her songs are incredible. Every time I hear one, its like she is speaking my very own heart. One song of hers in particular, Once and for all, has been on my heart the past few months .. so much so that each time I hear it, I want to raise my hands to God & just cry out to Him.
For a year now I have been blogging about something I never would have dreamed that I would have to talk about. And honestly, it's something I prayed I would never have to personally know anything about.
My faith is being tested so much in this very season of my life.
I've never, ever wanted anyone to feel sorry for me throughout my journey of miscarriage. Nor did I ever expect people to know that I was still suffering even a year later but in my own mind, some days I was selfishly having myself my very own little pity party.
It's Satan because I've never been an "oh poor pitiful me" type of person. He likes to fill our heads with lies & discouragement. And he's good at it.
For months I've seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement .. gender reveal after gender reveal .. birth announcement after birth announcement. And tear after tear, I've thought to myself "why in the world now .. why the same time of year as when I found out that my baby had died?" Some days I could pull myself together, but other times I would find myself crying.
Satan sees how God is working in my life & using my miscarriage for His glory & he doesn't like it one bit. He's trying his best to discourage me & sadly, most days I was letting him win.
But it was on Saturday night that I finally surrendered it all to God.
I had to.
It was time.
My miscarriage .. His will for my life .. my family's life .. my heartache. I laid it all down at His feet & instead of keeping a hold of it like I have the past 12 months, I left it there. God is a mighty God and He doesn't need me to keep a hand on it. He has never failed me & He never will. By me not fully surrendering is like me saying to Him, "here I'll help You just in case you can't do it." I never want to be guilty of that .. again. Because shamefully, for so long, that's what I've been doing.
I want to be faithful to Him.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."
The only way for my heart to heal is to allow God to do the healing. For me to lay it down at His feet and let go.
When I think about Ruthie Belle ... which is very often ... I want my heart to feel joy, not sadness. I want to smile at how at only 15 weeks, God used & is continuing to use her precious life. I don't want to replay May 3, 2016 over & over in my head when I see a new pregnancy announcement, gender reveal or birth announcement.
I want joy.
I have to stop thinking that there is something that I can do to bring her back. I must rest in the assurance that I will see her one day & that she is safe in His arms.
I have laid it down at the foot of the cross.
Jesus, I trust you.