The Lord Is Near To The Brokenhearted & Saves The Crushed In Spirit. Psalm 34:18 - The Perfectly Imperfect Mama

The Lord Is Near To The Brokenhearted & Saves The Crushed In Spirit. Psalm 34:18

by - Friday, May 13, 2016

Today, I am supposed to be 16 weeks pregnant.  I am not.  As a matter of fact, I'm not pregnant at all anymore.

. . .
Last Tuesday May 3, 2016 mine & Dan's life took a turn we never saw coming.  We lost our sweet baby. 
This past week & a half has been one of the hardest things Dan & I have ever went through.  Since last Tuesday I have wrote down how I'm feeling, what I remember from that day & even having to tell my sweet kiddos that they weren't getting a baby anymore.
My heart is broken.  I just want my baby back.
Monday May 2nd I woke up & tried to listen to the heartbeat {I've never used a home Doppler but for some reason I got one this time around. I now know why I did, because I have a recording of my baby's heartbeat that I will keep forever}.  I couldn't find the heartbeat & I had been able to since 9 weeks.  A part of me felt scared & nervous that something was wrong but then again I knew that babies are still tiny at this time so he/she was probably hiding.  I laid in my bed that morning praying that if something was wrong with my baby that God would send me a sign & get me to the doctor.
Tuesday morning I woke up with the worst back pain.  I have had 2 kidney stones before & that's exactly what it felt like.  It's a breathtaking pain & just not fun.  I made it through the morning but by 1:30pm I told Dan {he just so happened to take the entire week off work to get things done around the house} that I couldn't take it anymore so I called my doctor's office.  I explained to them the pain I was having but I didn't say anything about not being able to find the heartbeat because they encourage you not to use the at home dopplers & I knew if I went in that they would listen for it themselves anyway.  At 2:15pm they called me back & told me to come in & they would work me in because kidney stones are nothing to play around with especially
when you're pregnant.  After Dan got home from picking Cooper up from school we headed to the doctor.  We got there a little after 3pm & on the way there I remember looking at Dan in the car telling him I was scared & that something didn't feel right.
My doctor was running behind plus I was a work in so I didn't get seen until 5:00pm.  The only ones left in the office were me, Dan, my doctor & her nurse.  We finally got called back.  My doctor agreed that I had a kidney stone & after we talked about that a few minutes I admitted to her that I had a home Doppler & I haven't been able to find my baby's heartbeat.  She of course told me that she even has a hard time finding it sometimes & she's the professional.  That gave me a little relief. She tried to listen & she couldn't find it either.  That little bit of relief that I had just gotten was quickly taken away from me.  She then pulled in the very old mobile ultrasound machine & told me that he/she is probably just hiding from us.  By this time Dan was beside me because of course we were excited to get to see our baby . . .  but this was NOT the way we wanted to see him/her.  As soon as my doctor started the ultrasound & I saw our baby I just knew that our baby was no longer alive.  The doctor hadn't even said it yet & didn't need to. Our baby wasn't moving, there was no blood flow & his/her little heart wasn't beating . . . & it was that very second that I felt
 like mine had stopped. I'll never in my life forget what that sweet little thing looked like with his/her arms & legs pulled up close to them & he/she was facing us where we could see the eyes, nose & mouth.  I looked up at Dan & said to him "I told you something didn't feel right."  My doctor immediately took us down to the ultrasound room with the new machine ... still not saying that our baby had no heartbeat.  I laid there for what seemed like hours while the machine started back up since it had been shut down for the day.  When it finally came on she started the ultrasound & confirmed that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
I immediately asked Dan to please say a prayer for us because I knew that there was no way that we could get through this without God.  My sweet doctor asked if she could be the one that prayed for us so right there in the ultrasound room of a empty doctor's office she wrapped her arms around me & Dan both & prayed the sweetest prayer for us & our family.  After she was finished she gave Dan & I a minute to ourselves but as soon as she left the room we both agreed that we just needed out of that building.
On Thursday morning {3 days before Mother's Day} I had to be at the hospital for surgery.  I had a D&E instead of a D&C because we wanted to know if anything was wrong with our baby & also the sex of him/her.  Thursday May 5, 2016 was the last day I physically carried our sweet baby but I will forever carry him/her in my heart.

I'm still trying to process it all.  I feel numb.  I've never felt a heartache like this.  There is no difference to me losing this child than if I were to lose Cooper or Millie Jo.  I have 3 children & will always & forever love each one of them with all of my heart.  I don't understand why this happened but I do know that God will get me & my family through anything. Dan & I both know & believe that God is going to use us & our love story for His glory.  We're not sure when or how but we know that He will.  Just like any trial we go through in life we will do it hand in hand with our eyes to Jesus.

Looking back to last Monday I see that God has been with us every step of the way through this.
1) I had a home Doppler & never did with any other pregnancy... because of it I have a recording of our baby's heartbeat.
2) He sent me the sign I prayed for.
3) Dan had taken the whole week off & we had no clue this was going to happen.
4) I was the last patient of the day & the doctors office was empty.
5) He placed him/her perfectly in my womb where we could see a clear picture of him/her during the ultrasound.
6) Blessing me with a wonderful, God-fearing doctor who wasn't afraid to pray with us at a time we needed it most.

God's hand has been in it all & as bad as my heart aches I will always give Him the glory & praise.

I was having a very hard day the other day & came across a quote that just gave me such a peace.

'And to think when their little eyes open, the very first thing they see is the face of Jesus.'

My prayer everyday is this . . .

My sweet, sweet Jesus, hold my baby tight & please tell him/her all about me, Dan, Cooper & Millie Jo.  Let him/her know that we love them so much & always will.  Please use this Lord ... use me, Dan, the hurt & the heartache.


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  1. Staying focused on God is the answer. He is the only one that can heal broken hearts! Our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus. God will use this for His glory! Our family has been through so much this past year but in all times He carries us and brings sunshine after the rain. We will forever praise Him in the storm! God is faithful! I love you, Mom