The Feeling of "I should" ...

by - Wednesday, August 24, 2016

My prayer since May when we lost our baby girl has been that God would use me, my heartache & my story for His glory & His glory alone.  Whether that be through my blog, general conversation, my testimony ... however He wants to use it.  Every time something is on my heart about Ruthie Belle, I know it is all Him.

Every post I have written about my precious baby girl has been completely heart felt & honest. This post will be no different.  It's raw ... it's my feelings ... & just like miscarriage, it's very much real.

It's been almost 4 months & I'm still grieving the loss of my girl.

Six words still replay in my head over & over again ... I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat.

When I sit down to have my quiet time the selfish side of me often cries out "I still want to be carrying my baby."

Too many times I have caught myself saying "I should be this many weeks pregnant this week."  I see pregnant women & think "I should look like that."  I see newborn babies & my first thought is "that should be my baby girl in October."  But a few weeks ago it really hit me ... no, I should not be.  I should not be a certain amount of weeks pregnant ... no, that's not what my belly should look like ... & no, that tiny newborn I see won't be my baby girl in October.  

Ouch.

I have said from the very beginning that I would never question God.  I haven't & I won't.  Nor will I be angry.  My mama heart would still love to be carrying her & for her to be a happy, healthy baby coming into this world on October 29, 2016 ... two weeks before that if she were to be anything like her big brother & one day past her due date if she were anything like her big sister.  I think any mama (and daddy for that matter) would feel that way.  One of the hardest things I have had to overcome from all of this would be constantly having the feeling of 'I should'.  I've now started saying Jeremiah 29:11 when I have that feeling ... "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord .. plans to prosper you & not to harm you .. plans to give you hope & a future."

God knew long before I ever did that Ruthie Belle would be an angel & I would only carry her 15 weeks.  He also knew that I would struggle with the feeling of 'I should' ... but that hasn't stopped Him from using me.

In Romans 8:18 it says, 'What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.'

He's a good, good Father.












Whitney


 

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1 comments

  1. I am so sorry about your loss I can't imagine how hard that must be. You know, I've seen that verse pop up at least three different times this week. Totally a God thing.

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