Our Sweet Angel . . . - The Perfectly Imperfect Mama

Our Sweet Angel . . .

by - Tuesday, June 14, 2016

On June 6th we finally got the call that we had been waiting four weeks for.  A call that I wasn't quite sure I was ready for even though I kept saying that I was.

It's been a little over a month now since I last carried our sweet baby.  To be honest, after waiting weeks & finally hearing my doctor say "it was a baby girl" brought back every feeling I had sitting in that exam room on May 3, 2016.  Numb & heartbroken.  To have a name to go with that tiny little baby I last saw all curled up on the ultrasound machine screen makes my heart so happy yet so sad at the same time.
 I think about her every single day.
I would have been 20 1/2 weeks pregnant this week.  Over half way there ... one week closer to October ... one week closer to holding our sweet girl. 

My heart still aches.

  The chromosome/genetic testing came back perfectly normal.  The past four weeks I have thought about how I would feel if she was healthy.  I also prayed that I would never feel guilty if that were the case because I didn't do anything differently with this pregnancy than with my other two.  There's a reason she won't ever be here on earth & God has given me a peace about it.  Does it make the heart ache go away? No.  But to think that our sweet baby will never know pain, hurt, heartache, fear or worry is such a wonderful thing to think about.

I was texting my mom just this weekend about my baby girl & she said something to me that I will always remember ...

"Your sweet girl fulfilled God's purpose for her life in just 12-15 short weeks."

Wow.  God has a purpose for everyone's life & to think that my sweet baby girl fulfilled hers in that short amount of time & is now safe in His arms brings so much joy to my heart.  God used her.  He used her to change my life.

I will always miss her.  I don't think that feeling will ever go away.  I have went through the steps of grieving except anger & honestly I don't know if I will ever be angry.  I was raised to always thank God for all His many blessings ... & always thank Him for unwanted situations.  Was losing my baby girl something I would have ever dreamed of? Absolutely not.  But I pray every day that God will keep my children safe, happy & healthy ... always.  Something could have been wrong with her heart, lungs, etc that the genetic testing didn't test for.  I will never know but I know who does ... God & He owes me no explanation at all.  I will continue to trust Him & keep my eyes to Him even when I don't understand why these heartbreaking trials come along.

I will always wonder who my baby girl would have been.  What would her cry sound like?  Would she have looked like Cooper or Millie Jo?  How would she sound when she said "ma ma or da da?"

God has had His hand in it all & continues to do so.  I was looking through my text messages the other day & found this ...
April 28th ... one week before we found out her heart was no longer beating.

In my dream I was in the hospital & she was teeny tiny with strawberry blonde hair.

God is so, so good.

A month & a half later the pain is still there & I imagine it always will be.  Some
 days are harder than others ... small things catch me off guard.  I was cleaning out/organizing my closet a couple weeks ago, I had already hung some of my maternity summer dresses up, & seeing those & having to put them back away broke my heart.  Everywhere I look there are pregnant women or babies & I just can't help but think that was suppose to be me this summer/fall.  Or so I thought ... if I've learned anything these past few months, it's that you can tell God your plans all day long but He is going to show you His.

He has a plan for my life & my family.

Miscarriage is hard & very much real.
 It's something that you have no idea how it feels until you've actually been there. 
Until it's your baby that has passed away.

There is nothing anyone here on earth can say to ease the hurt & I don't say that to make people think their hearts will never heal but to say this ... God can.  He can take the hurt & heartache away.  He can heal your broken heart.  You just have to trust Him & keep your eyes to Him.  I'm still healing but I've seen Him work too much in my life, especially this past year, to think otherwise.
{8 week ultrasound}
Our sweet Ruthie Belle is safe in the arms of Jesus & forever in our hearts.
Our sweet little angel.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.  My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes.  Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.  The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer."
Psalm 6:6-9


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