..."BUT, SOMEDAY YOU WILL." - The Perfectly Imperfect Mama


by - Friday, May 15, 2020

It's been four years since I last physically held RUTHIE BELLE.  Since 2016, the month of May has always been hard for me.  At 16 weeks pregnant, I walked into the hospital to prep for a surgery I never dreamed of having.  My heart still aches to think back to that day.  My doctor wasn't able to do the procedure so another doctor from my OB's office performed it.  I was crying and he had tears in his eyes as well when he started talking to me and explaining what exactly was going to happen.  Not long after that, I was wheeled down to the OR and the last thing I remember was seeing the bright lights and feeling the nurse lift my feet up into the stirrups.  That was it … the very last memory I had being pregnant with her took place in a bright, cold operating room.  After my procedure, I was put into a recovery room and it just so happened that they forgot to have Dan meet me there.  The last thing I wanted was to be alone at a time such as that.  It was at that very moment though, laying in the recovery room, hurting and alone, that it hit me.  I no longer had my baby in my belly.  I'll never forget going to the bathroom and leaning up against the wall crying because there was just so much blood and only a memory of her on the ultrasound screen with no heartbeat to remind me of this nightmare I was living.

A few hours later, just like that, Dan & I left the hospital ... empty handed and broken hearted.

Looking back on that week of my life, I honestly had no idea how God was going to use such heartache for His glory.  I knew He could and that He would, but I just had no idea how.  

But God … It's the exact reason that He is God and I am not.

On July 17, 2017, 14 months later, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  We had not been trying to have another baby, but, we also weren't not "not" trying either.  THIS is how He was going to use my heartache for His glory.  THIS is how He was going to take my pain and turn it into something beautiful.
You may be wondering why I am writing this post today?!  Honestly, Jesus laid it on my heart to share and maybe, just maybe, one of you need to hear it.  You may be struggling with infertility, maybe you have lost a child, maybe you are currently going through a miscarriage or have had one in the past and you are waiting on your sweet rainbow baby.  Whatever it may be, I want my story and Ruthie Belle's life to encourage you.  In the book of John, Jesus says "You may not understand now what I am doing, but, someday you will."  My someday was that July day when those two pink lines showed up on my pregnancy test, all those kicks in my belly that I felt from the inside out, and then again on February 24, 2018, when my doctor LAID MY BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW BABY up on my chest.  And even more than that, God continues to remind me every single day of my "someday" when I look into those big blue eyes of Ellie Joy's.  He didn't send her to replace Ruthie Belle, He sent her to keep His promise just like He always does.  He sent her because He knew that my heart needed her.

So, today you may be hurting and wondering why this is happening to you.  I know it hurts.  Trust me, I know.  I will even go as far as saying that it just down right stinks.  I am so sorry.  But,  keep your eyes to Jesus, because my sweet friend, JOY does come in the morning.  And that someday that Jesus talks about, will be more than you could have ever imagined.


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  1. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I'm so sorry you had to go through such a painful experience. I know someone will read this and be encouraged today. The pictures are beautiful too. Tanya - The Other Side of the Road

  2. Aw, what wonderful writing right from the heart.