by - Friday, March 15, 2019

We closed on our house yesterday & now, it belongs to a new little family that I just know are going to love it just as much as we did.
I have felt every possible emotion that there is to feel.

It's a bittersweet thing, for sure.

Life has been non stop for us since December & I guess I was keeping myself so busy that I didn't even have time to think about the fact that we were actually moving out.  Perhaps I was just trying to avoid going over there to see it empty but, finally last week, I went over there alone.

I walked throughout the whole house in silence but everywhere I went, memories flooded me.

As I walked up the stairs, I could hear my children laughing as they loved to play on them even though we always told him not to.  I could see Millie Jo falling down them .. a time or ten.  Seriously, she fell down those things all the time!  I laughed as I remembered the time Dan missed the top step & slid all the way down to the bottom.  You would have thought he broke both legs.  And I smiled as I remembered just how fast Ellie Joy could crawl up them still being so tiny.

I walked into each room.  Crying & praying.

Tears of happiness & sadness.  
And praying for the new family that would now call this house their home.

I walked into Cooper's room & remembered just how excited he was when he got to move to "the big room" because I was pregnant.  I remember pulling an all-nighter with Dan just to get it painted in one day so we could start on the nursery.  Seeing him sit down in the floor building Legos for hours at a time.

I walked into Millie Jo's room & could see her playing in the floor with her Barbies … surrounded with every other toy that she owns because she plays & she plays hard.  Seeing her sitting at her desk writing.  Watching her sit at her vanity in front of her mirror putting on all the make up while she talked to herself.

As I stepped into Ellie Joy's room, I began to cry even harder.  Our rainbow baby's first room.  The room that we brought her home to.  The room where I spent many .. many .. many nights up every two to three hours rocking & nursing her.

I walked into mine & Dan's closet & remember spending so much time in there as it was my prayer room.  It was the place I went when I needed time with God with no distractions.  Sometimes I would sit in the dark, in silence.  Other times I would sit my phone outside the door with a song on & just worship.  And sometimes I would just cry out to Him begging for answers.

I made my way back downstairs & walked into the kitchen.  As I leaned up against the door way, I saw a young, heart broken mama falling to her knees, allowing the floor to catch her, as she had just found out that at only fifteen weeks pregnant, HER BABY'S HEART HAD STOPPED BEATING. And beside her hugging her, crying too, was a daddy who had too, just lost his baby girl. 

It was also the room that saw all of our mad dance skills because there is no doubt about it, that kitchen was for dancing & we did a lot of it.

As I walked into the dining room, I saw us all sitting down together around our table.  Whether it was to eat dinner, do homework or play a game.  There were so many laughs in that room.

As I looked outside, into the cul-da-sac, I could see Millie Jo working so hard, teaching herself how to ride her bike without training wheels.  And Cooper playing basketball.  He spent so much time out there & I'm positive that he would tell you that is what he will miss the most.

Then there was the living room.

Between it & the dining room, it was the heart of our home.

I could still remember the day we sat Cooper & Millie Jo down to tell them that we were pregnant with Ruthie Belle.  But also the day we had to sit them down & explain to them the best we knew how that she would never actually live in this house because she was already with Jesus.  Then the next year, sitting them down to tell them that I was pregnant again & them asking if she was going to go be with Jesus, too or was she going to get to live with us.  Seeing them both meet Ellie Joy for the first time in that living room is a memory that I never want to forget.  I can't even begin to count the number of forts that were built in there.  Or how many performances were performed by Millie Jo on her "stage" also known as the fireplace .. & it was also the room where Ellie Joy learned to crawl. 

And while there are so many wonderful things that happened in that one room, it was also the room that I just knew Dan was going to walk away from our marriage in after my wrongdoing. And rightfully so.  But it was also the room that he sat me down in to tell me he was going to fight for me & our marriage with everything he had.

So many tears in that one room.

When I was almost finished walking through, Dan showed up & I began to cry even harder.

More than anything, it was a home that saw grace upon grace upon grace.

This home is where a marriage was completely broken.

This home will forever be known to us as the home where love was literally built from the ground up.

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  1. You've literally got me in tears. Such beautiful words, but even more I see a beautiful heart, a beautiful family, God's grace, and redemption.

    My husband and I were high school sweethearts and got married a year and a half after graduating high school. We were ready to be husband and wife and he quickly sold his 50 model truck that he had fully restored to purchase a mobile home for us to make into a home. After five years of just the two of us we added a baby girl to that home. A daddy's girl! When that baby girl was 4 God blessed in a way that still leaves me speechless. He provided in a way only He could for us to build our first house. His dad deeded us a 1/2 acre of his 60 acres for us to build on. And while it was exciting, and it all happened in the span of about 3-4 months, when I said good bye to that mobile home it was so painful. Because to me it was so much more than a mobile home. It was our life...a life that God had so blessed. So many memories. So many firsts. But God lead. We followed. And He provided.

    All this to say...I know how you feel. :)

  2. Such sweet memories that always will be tucked deep inside your heart!