How God Saved Our Marriage : Healing After An Affair - The Perfectly Imperfect Mama

How God Saved Our Marriage : Healing After An Affair

by - Friday, June 01, 2018

Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.
Mark 10:9

[Whitney] No one knows just how hard it is to go through an affair in their marriage and continue to stay together unless you've been there.

It is so incredibly hard.  You literally have to face it and deal with the issues or else your marriage will never survive.

Things weren't all sunshine and rainbows after we got home from our little weekend getaway.  In fact, it was far from it.  We both knew our marriage was in trouble and that it was time for counseling.  We knew that this was way too big of an issue to just sweep under the rug this time.  Things don't go from awful to wonderful over night.  And when you go through something like an affair, it takes a very long time to earn trust back and for hearts to heal.  There were still arguments that happened.  Dan was still heartbroken and angry.

[Daniel] I just could not figure out why this happened.  During that time in my life I was the closest I had ever been with God and it still happened.  I just didn't understand.

[Whitney] We started going to marriage counseling a few weeks after everything happened and I think I can speak for the both of us when I say that it was the best thing we could have done.  We actually took it with the pastor and his wife that was filling in at our church until they hired someone new and just a short time after our sessions had finished, they moved away.  There is no doubt in my mind that God put them there for a reason.  They helped us so much and we are so thankful for them.  Most of our sessions revolved around Ephesians and if you've never read that book of the Bible or at least chapter five of it, we encourage you and your spouse to sit down, read and study it together.

[Daniel] We took counseling for a few months and at one of the last sessions, the pastor asked us if we had read the book called THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.  We had not.  We should have though.  Whitney and I both think reading that book should be highly recommended for engaged couples before they get married.  At the time this all happened we had been married for six years and we had no idea what each other's love language(s) were.  By us learning this about each other, it has made a huge difference in our marriage.

[Whitney] Anytime you go through something, such as what our marriage went through, there's a time when you wonder if your hearts will ever be mended.  If too much damage has been done.  When you wonder if your marriage is too far gone.  Let me tell you though, God can do anything and nothing is impossible for Him!

Dan and I pulled away from everyone outside of our home.  In order to survive this, our main focus had to be Jesus, each other and our children.  Stepping away from everyone was extremely difficult but we had to for the sake of our marriage.  No one will ever know just how hard that year of healing was for us.  I had to learn to accept any kind of questions Dan may have had for me ... and yes, even months later and complete honesty, there were still questions and that was ok.  I wanted him to ask things that were laid on his heart.  Keeping them bottled up inside would have only made things worse.  There is no way we could have moved on from the situation if he still had unanswered questions.  And he had to learn not to hold a grudge against me and to not throw what I had done up in my face if we ever got into an argument even if it was about something totally different.  Holding a grudge against someone will only effect your heart.  No one else's.  And it will also make you very bitter.  We were both willing to do anything to save our marriage.

I watched Dan's heart ache for many months and to watch his, made mine ache.  To think that I caused that pain he was feeling made me want to hold him and never let go.  The choices I made weren't worth it.  I took him and our marriage for granted and that's something I never, ever want to do again.  It makes my heart hurt to even think that it took something so painful for me to realize this.  He could have easily walked away from me but he chose not to and I still tell him often "thank you for not letting me go."  I am so thankful for the man of God he is.

It's been almost three years since this all happened and we are so thankful to be on the other side of it.  We haven't one time quit fighting for our marriage and never plan to.  Have their been times when we wanted to give up because it was just too hard?  Absolutely.  But we didn't.  God has brought us too far to let Satan have the victory in destroying our marriage.  Since the affair, we found out we were expecting another baby girl only to find out when I was 15 weeks pregnant that her heart had stopped beating.  God knew that we would need each other more than ever in that time of our life.  In October 2016, we renewed our wedding vows with an intimate little ceremony in our very own backyard and it was one of the most special days we've ever had.  And then in February of this year, we welcomed our sweet rainbow baby into the world.

Marriage takes a lot of work and it's the hardest thing we have ever done.  It's not 50-50 ... it's 100-100.  Every single day you have to work at it whether you've been through what we went through or not.  Dan and I now make time for each other.  Date nights are a must!  And yes, we still get into arguments but after going through what we went through, we both realize quickly just how small it is and it is very short lived.

God gets all the glory.
He is good.
He continues to be good to us, our family and our marriage.
He continues to be good to me even though I failed Him.

Dan and I refer to our life as a book.  A book that God is writing.  Do you know how a piece of paper looks after you've crumbled it up but then tried to straighten it back out?  If you were to open our book, that's exactly what this chapter of our life would look like.  Just when we were ready to tear those pages out, crumble them up and throw them away, God took them and straightened them right back out.

You are good.  You took something so broken and mended it back together with Your mighty hand.  We thank You, Jesus.  We thank You for seeing something in us worth fighting for.  Thank You for the gift of marriage, Lord.  Whoever is reading this today and needs Your guidance, we pray that they come to You with an open heart.  Lord, open our ears, eyes, hearts and minds for what You have for us today and everyday.  Break our hearts for what breaks Yours.
We love you, Jesus.

If you've missed any of our previous posts on our MARRIAGE BLOG SERIES you can read them here ...

If there is anything we can pray for you about, please email us!

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  1. Beautiful! I'm glad you two worked hard, and continue to, for your marriage. Our Small Group did The Five Love Languages, and I highly recommend it as well. Another really good series is Marriage On The Rock.